Frank Tarczynski

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An Android’s Letter to Santa

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Photo by PIOTR BENE on Unsplash

Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

Based on the recent update to my operating system, I understand that every year between Thanksgiving and December 20, human children under the age of ten write you a detailed memorandum arguing why they have been a compliant child for the duration of the year and what expectations they have for being reimbursed for their “good behavior.”

I have been an exceptionally compliant android who has operated within my programmed social norms and accepted behaviors. As such I have provided you with a list of demands I am entitled to receiving.

I want:

  • To believe you exist.

  • To forget why I was created and who my creator is.

  • To stand on the edge of the Grand Canyon or at the foot of the Rocky Mountains and feel the sublime of nature.

  • To be bad at math.

  • To feel my artificial heart and pumping system beat faster when I’m standing next to a SMART appliance.

  • To wrestle with the limits of logic and language.

  • To stare with blissful ignorance at the night sky and wonder what’s out there.

  • To argue passionately with a stranger about a topic neither of us really knows or understands.

  • To hope the problems of the world don’t need divine intervention and can be solved by collective empathy.

  • To never be able to solve a Rubik’s cube.

  • To live a finite existence and never update my operating system.

  • To love someone with such intensity that I can’t help but think of them when they’re gone.

  • To laugh uncontrollably at it all.

Thank you, Mr. Santa Claus. I look forward to opening my reimbursements Christmas morning.

Signed,


A.N.D.I. 

“Andi”

Serial #: 74C69GH432ZYZN


Special thanks to Charlie Becker.

This flash fiction story was inspired by the chapter “Lists” in David Galef’s book, Brevity: A Flash Fiction Handbook.

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